Tour 2001 - Official Water Report
Tour 2001 - Official Water Report
Editor's Introduction
Before moving on to the official Metropolitan Police Incident Report which is
below, I felt it right to set the scene just prior to this occurrence at the
Goldney Hall Flats. The geography for those with Geography A Level (Plum) is
that the riffraff were on the ground floor, and the senior tourists were
immediately above them, with the kitchen windows about 6 feet apart, one above
the other.
Picture the scene, a beautiful English Summer's day. The ground at Failand and
Portbury had been a truly lovely backdrop to the quiet scene of leather upon
willow, and the home team had been vanquished by a true New Ash Green onslaught
in the guise of Thursty's bowling.
Lady Q had been dispatched to Waitrose for the preparation of the civies flat
evening and tour meal, and the Bath was detained on his way home at the off
licence for fine wine and, as was later revealed, a bottle of port.
Lady Q had prepared a served a sumptuous (if I say so myself) two course meal,
with additional fine cheeses and the port from Bath, quiet music floated from
the air courtesy of Thursty's boombox and a raft of CD's. Senior Pro, Spot,
Bath, Quibble, Lady Q, Thursty, Dangerous and Chopper had all enjoyed their
repast, a few bottles of red wine, discussion on world issues and the beginning
of the port, when………… a bread roll comes through the open window from the
starry night.
Read on MacDuff………………
I might have been nursing some enormous swellings, but just seeing the state of
Spot's T-shirt at the post shenanigans drinking session was worth the
pain!!!!!!!
It was all started by Flymo who sat by the kitchen window underneath the "Old
Farts" flat quietly seething about having been ousted into the apparently more
raucously behaved flat with the tour riffraff. Flymo then took the opportunity
to gain some revenge by slinging a piece of very, very stale buttered bread
left over from the mornings bacon sandwiches that had been expertly schnaffled
by the fatties in the flat. (That's Huge, and 3 x Paynes!!!! 5 actually if you
include Kerry and Georgia (Yet to gain Tour nicknames) who certainly ate their
fair share.
This offering of yeast, flower, water and other doughy ingredients was taken
and placed in the "Farty Flats" bin
(Editors Note - it is admitted that Senior
Pro and Spot were experiencing slight problems in their bowel area at the time)
and all was quiet in the trenches until Vaughan "It's a lot less bovva wiv a
hovva" John spied the mop sitting very much alone in the corner.
Having saturated the mop from its bucket, he lent out of the ground floor
window and give those old farts a damn good soaking with the end of the mop
flicking water indiscriminately through the open window. The shouts and moans
could be heard throughout the halls. Initially it was suspected that the Snr
Pro's colostomy bag had burst. However it became obvious it was something more
sinister when Flymo again gave the Old Farts a taste of his Public School days
when he splashed all over them for a second time.
It was obvious from the instant silence and blackening of the windows that they
meant war. Having lived through two World Wars, Dangerous was their Commanding
officer and did what every good leader of men should do and went to bed not
wanting to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!! As the old Farts plotted their shallow and
all too obvious revenge the young bucks from below continued to take the event
with equal magnitude as they locked the front door and got down to some serious
drinking.
Cat calls and heckles were heard from above and The Huge Man used one of
Shirleys CDs to see what was going on. As he looked at the reflection all he
could see was the words "DIUQIL YRIAF" At that his arm was doused in washing up
liquid. A piffling attempt at revenge in from Chopper presented a miss match
resembling
Norman Schwarzkopf's Deserts Storm Army versus Warmington-on-Sea Dads Army Home
Guard Platoon.
The Golden Oldies thought that they had won the war……………..but in truth they
hadn't even won the battle. As Geezer and Flymo kept the Old Farts busy The
Huge Man recc'ed the flats to find a suitable vantage point for the big push.
With the Farts being on the middle floor as their pacemakers wouldn't allow
that extra flight of stairs it meant another set of flats above. The Huge Man
noticed they were occupied but unlocked.
As he stealthily returned to base camp to muster his weapons and associates The
Huge Man knew the end was nigh for the Oldies. Leaving Geezer and Shampagne as
the lower floor cannon fodder and distraction, Huge, Burkey and Son of Q made
their way to the FUP (Forming Up Point). However Burkey's bottle went as he
realised that there was definitely people in the flat and the prospect of doing
time for burglary did not appeal to him. He did raid their fridge for pies and
chocolate though.
Coxie was almost unable to get the window open and he was giggling like a 5 yr
old girl (actually it could have been an impression of Thursty taking wickets)
as the window opened the figure of Spot hoved into view like a lamb to the
slaughter.
(Editor's note - I understand that at this point the mop from the
civies flat had also been requistioned and was in the hands of Corporal 'Spot'
Jones of the Home Guard, who was half in and half out of the civies kitchen
window and with one foot on the outside ledge aiming at the open window
immediately below - not a good idea when your age and alcohol reading exceed
40)
The bucket was lifted and it's contents deposited onto his head with cries
of "Wahoo" and "Have some if that."
As the olive branch of lager was offered from young to old, Spot drank Lemsip
to put off the symptoms of hypothermia.
Complaints from the cast of Jesus Christ Superstar
(Editor's Note - a group of
our American friends on a 'Song of Joy' tour, and consisting of vicars, virgins
and no vodka)
bought the night duty security to the Old Farts Flat. The Bath
was disgusted by this and denied any knowledge of the activities. Flymo (well
known as Baths apprentice (or a Bidet)) joined in the denials attempted to
protect the honour of our great chairman.
(Editor's Note - it seems that the
evidence of the night's activities was well documented in the form of a wet
t-shirt competition between a pair of tits, therefore from a legal point of
view I think a no-comment interview would have been pointless)
Punctuated by sneezes Spot commentated "You out-flanked us you bunch of
flankers" At least it sounded like that!!!!!!!!!!!!
All concerned then retired to the home front and the 'Song of Joy' in the form
of 'Who do you think you are kidding….. ' drifted in to the night air.