Stoner AGM 2007 A.D.
It appears that there are two sets of minutes this year. Both are reproduced below, one having been written by someone who was present, and the other by someone who wasn't. Both are probably equally accurate records of events.
Many of the members looked the worse for ware but as I was on my way to meet James Dyson, in the hope to being sucked up for a job, I can only guess.
I am sure the minutes of the last meeting were not read as Michael Bird had failed to produce any. As head of the British Council in Germany one can only hope that Lord “Comrade” Digby Jones, his new boss will demand higher standards than Stoner.
Almost certainly the non-existent minutes would have been approved by the members there and the AGM would have moved ahead at pace.
The meeting would have been a buzz at the Sunday Times Supplement weekend revelation that “Bedales has a zero tolerance to drugs, despite the old boys cricket team being called Stoner”. Certainly this inference is likely to have aggravated the Vice Presidents; one can only imagine Alistair Brittens pipe (which seems to have avoided the new ban on smoking in public places) belching forth thick clouds of sickly sweet smelling smoke, which is certainly not any type of tobacco I have come across! Rollo Wickstead's blood pressure must have risen, his Hampshire weathered facial features glowing red with indignation. Derek Roberts who probably chaired the meeting would have had difficulty in maintaining order.
Madam President however, having heard it all before almost certainly kept her own council. Following the almost uninterrupted rain during the cricket week it is likely that the younger members (the Roberts' boys and George Taylor ) recognising the ideal growing conditions would have scoured the cricket square for magic mushrooms prior to the meeting and now would have reached a higher plane of consciousness.
Once again the question of performance enhancing drugs and the lack of availability would have pulled its lengthy shadow across proceedings.
It was decided I understand to approach Charlie Gordon (lately of the Bar) for his legal advice on whether Stoner has a case for “deformation of character” and should therefore take on the Newscorporation Empire in a liable case.
It was suggested that drug testing amongst Stoner members might be necessary to improve our case, several members went a little grey, the Roberts boys glazed over with a smile, Britten's pipe smoke went a strange colour of blue and even the President looked uncomfortable enquiring if she too would “need to be tested”.
Club funds being at an all time low, were unlikely to be sufficient to take on the Murdoch Empire or even cover Charlie's bar bill even in the Hop Blossom (Farnham Pub). It was hoped that Quantrill might be able to help, but it was suggested that he might be facing his own legal action on the grounds of Polygamy, having entertained two young floozies on the BBQ night.
It was therefore agreed that a sharp letter should be sent to The Sunday Times, stating that we have consulted our legal team, who advise us that we almost have a case for deformation of character and would The Sunday Times like to settle out of court? Quantrill agreed to send the letter and report back at the 2008 AGM which if successful could be held somewhere in the Caribbean.
Other business would have covered anything but cricket as at this stage only one game having been completed, a victory for Stoner in a low scoring match against Havant with Sam Banks putting in a fine performance as a spin bowler, and Matt Evans taking the winning catch. The Steep vs. Stoner fixture was the only other match up till Friday to have got underway, called off after 15 wet overs, although that afternoon (Friday) Connor was to lead a team against Ropley, with the Captain declaring his knees were finished due to dancing. The Cardiff pole dancers can once again breathe easy.
No doubt on keeping with tradition a number of members were made Vice Presidents and will no doubt never play for Stoner again (note Paul Hutt), a number of VP's that only Rollo and the President have ever heard of will have passed over to the other side and the accounts will have been found perfectly in order and approved by all, despite a huge pension deficit.
Awards would have been distributed liberally in one of the wettest Stoner weeks of all time.
But the annual BBQ was certainly the high point of the week with Brian Taylor (harmonica, guitar, and comb and paper) making a passable impression of an early Bob Dylan – (next year perhaps he can afford the strings for his drum), thus certainly Brian was 'player of the week' unfortunately not for cricket.
Despite the Weather, Stoner Cricket Teas seem to have reached an all time high and now must be the main reason for the opposition and Connor turning up.
The Goldsmith Band Aid Award could have gone to either of the Bens although suspicion now falls on Lawrie himself who has remained injury free for 2 seasons, with bionic runners now running against biological athletes Goldsmith opens himself up for clinical inspection and the ethics of rebuilding a man (who was falling apart) in order to play for Stoner.
As Britten's smoke would have pervade the “fire proof Marquee” producing a glazed look on all those attending, something akin to a Chinese 'Opium Den', the meeting would have been closed on a wet and cold Stoner week, roll on global warming.
Mr. A. Britten seized the chair and the meeting commenced.
Mr. M. Quantrill was press ganged into being minute taker.
Apologies: L. Goldsmith (late). B. Roberts refused to attend. Mr. Evans apologised as he was seeing Mr. Dyson. Mr. C. Gordon did not apologise. (For anything.)
Minutes of the 2006 AGM: Delayed due to the minute taker being late.
Election of Officers:
1) President: K. Bennett, proposed B. Taylor, seconded S. Roberts – elected
2) Hon. Gen. Sec.: (at this point Messrs. Goldsmith and Wicksteed joined the meeting) Mr. Quantrill elected unopposed.
3) Treasurer: Election postponed until the treasurer's report had been considered.
4) Founder Members: Connor Wilkinson proposed that Matt Evans be elected a founder member, on the basis that he could not be rejected unless someone proposed him first. He was duly rejected.
5) Vice-Presidents: None were known to be deceased. The chairman mentioned that Mike Russell had proposed himself as a vice-president. Mr. D. Roberts passed on a message from Charles Gordon suggesting that Mike Russell should be made a VP. There followed some debate on the merits of this proposal. Derek Roberts proposed Mr. Russell be elected. The President asked the chairman to pull his shirt down to cover his belly, but did not second Mr. Russell until no one else did. Mr. Russell was officially recorded as unfortunately duly elected and Mr. Wicksteed was deputed to write a letter to him informing him of his success. Mr. Evans was also discussed and Connor Wilkinson pointed out that he himself had been playing for just as long, at which point the discussion ended.
Treasurer's Report: There was a debate about tea costs, but it was decided that fees should remain unchanged. Acceptance of the report was proposed by C. Wilkinson and seconded by S. Roberts. They were assumed to be agreed without a vote. D. Roberts was then proposed as Treasurer by L. Goldsmith and seconded by S. Roberts (missing no opportunity to curry favour with his father). There was no opposition and Derek was thanked with a round of applause, though a round of drinks or sandwiches might have been of more practical benefit.
At this point the meeting reverted to the minutes for the 2006 AGM. However Mr. Wicksteed denied having taken any. It was suggested that Matt Evans might have taken some, and in their absence the minutes were approved.
Gifts: Appreciation was expressed for all the assistance the ground and estate staff had offered. Gifts as per the previous year were approved, with £75 to Ground Staff and £50 to Estate Staff. A brief discussion of affordability led to mention of “Cash for honours” for vice-presidencies, and the possibility of getting money out of Mike Russell. A donation of 12 balls for the bowling machine was to be made to the school, to be bought from Bola by George Evans. It was noted as the first useful thing he had done for the club – he also volunteered to sell items on E-Bay.
1) Champagne Moment: In view of the lack of cricket this was postponed till after the match and the decision was delegated to Derek Roberts, Rollo Wicksteed and Shannon Long.
2) The Low Alcohol Lager was awarded to the weather.
3) The Laurie Goldsmith Band Aid award – despite the lack of cricket there were many candidates, including Ben Seddon for a teapot impersonation, but the award went to Ben Roberts for a combination of shoulder strain and hangover.
In passing at this point Mr. Wicksteed mentioned that he wouldn't be here if the Test match had not been delayed by rain. On cue it rained, and the meeting adjourned hastily to the marquee. For some reason the awards were then re-debated, the move to the marquee obviously having had an effect on the short term memories of those present and the Champagne Moment was awarded to Sam Roberts for his wickets. The Low Alcohol Lager Moment was awarded to Giles Williams for his overthrows.
Election of New members: Derek Roberts proposed George Taylor, who was asked to wait outside while Mrs. Roberts ate a banana (or at least that is what it says in the hand written notes!) and the meeting moved on. Brian Taylor vouched for George's name being Taylor, and this was enough for Laurie Goldsmith to second him. As George was looking forlorn standing outside in the rain the meeting took its time before approving him, clearly feeling that the recent improvement in player availability allows the Club to start dabbling with vicious initiation rituals rather than simply taking anyone it can get its hands on.
Rollo Wicksteed propsosed Shannon Long, which was met with a big “Why?” from the chairman. A debate on her merits followed, her prime qualification apparently being laughing at Bruce Moore's jokes. She was seconded by Laurie Goldsmith and approved on the condition that she was quiet, demure and well behaved, her membership to be reviewed next year. She must also continue to laugh at Bruce's jokes.
Any Other Business:
1) 75th Anniversary. This is in two year's time. Alistair Britten and Derek Roberts were elected as a sub-committee to arrange appropriate celebrations.
2) A Sunday Times article had appeared which referred to Stoner Cricket Club as being tolerant of narcotics. It was suggested that the club solicitor should be sent a copy and asked for a lengthy opinion. (The minutes do not record who the club solicitor is.)
3) Golf was mentioned briefly as Mr. Britten had retained the Connor Wilkinson 7 Wood. Mr. Britten appealed for stiffer opposition in the future, and asked that it was minuted that Bruce had let everyone down. Bruce responded by promising to win the Trophy next year.
4) Mr. Wilkinson raised accommodation issues. Mr. Britten moaned about the Cricketers breakfasts. He also moaned that he had never been invited upstairs at Rozel. Bruce Moore and Laurie Goldsmith were also in this exclusive club. To further annoy them Mrs. Roberts confirmed that she had given up her bed for Charles Gordon. This could be read in a number of ways, but given the unfeasibility of the idea that anyone would give up their bed to run off with Charles Gordon it seems more likely that she fled her bed rather than have the prospect of sharing it with Charles.
5) The chairman proposed thanks to the tea makers, the function committee, etc. For some reason this led to further discussion of accommodation and of the Hon. Gen. Sec.'s sleeping arrangements, and the fact that he had been driven from the pavilion by hoards of drunks.
6) Bruce Moore had a complaint, having been subjected to ridicule due to his cycling attire. Mr. Britten requested that he wear leather, but he insisted that he preferred lycra. Shannon Long was delegated to discuss dress sense with him.
The meeting ended at 12.17 pm.